What New Parents Fight About

When you're disoriented, sleep-deprived, and cranky from acclimating to life with your baby, it doesn't take much to set off a big fight with your partner. 

Below, find the top five comments that make a new parent's blood boil — and how to keep the peace instead.

 

 

 

"Can you get up with the baby? I'm exhausted."

With a baby's arrival, sleep suddenly becomes a thing to be shared, taken in shifts, and negotiated. This can be a shock to your system as a couple.
"What stands out to me the most was how possessive of sleep we got. We argued a lot about who deserved it more," remembers one mom.

Keep the peace: Try to stay away from the "I'm more tired than you" competition. "No one can say who's more tired, because neither of you really knows. The reality is, if you're both feeling exhausted, you both need help," says Carolyn Pirak, a licensed clinical social worker and director of Bringing Baby Home, a program that focuses on relationship building for new parents.

If you can afford a babysitter, consider hiring someone on a short-term, regular basis so that you and your partner can catch up on rest. Or accept assistance from family members or close friends. There's no shame in getting help so that you can both get more sleep. In fact, it's a responsible thing to do because it's good for the overall health of your family.

To avoid arguments over whose turn it is to get up, set up a "sleep trade-off" with your partner. For example, you could each get one weekend day to sleep in, take four-hour shifts throughout the night, or — if your baby is taking bottles — do one night on, one night off.

If one parent is working and the other is staying home with the baby, you may choose to arrange things so the working parent gets more sleep on weeknights but picks up the slack on weekends, when the stay-at-home parent can sleep later, sleep longer stretches, or take naps.

Remember that sleep deprivation can make people irritable, depressed, and more likely to argue. A few hours of extra slumber can make a surprising difference in your mood and outlook.

"Here, the baby wants you"

If your partner tensely asks you to take the screaming baby after just a few minutes, you may struggle not to let loose with a few screams yourself. "As soon as our son needs something or starts crying, my husband hands him off to me," says one mom. "He'll only spend time with him when the baby's happy."

Keep the peace: Remind yourself that your partner isn't necessarily trying to shirk baby duty. As one father explains, "I want to comfort my child. But it's kind of hard when she's screeching as though I'm the devil."
Work with your partner to develop routines with your baby. This will cut down on the screaming-for-mommy phenomenon.

"My job was to give our son his bath," says Charles Neuman, a father of three. "Since it was my job, there was no discussion of it. I knew what to do, I always did it, and my son was used to having me do it."

Develop a routine for the baby hand-off, too. "If you meet your partner at the door and immediately give him the baby, it can be a setup for failure. The transition is too abrupt," says Pirak.

Instead, spend some time together as a family. Then calmly take your leave. If you do this on a regular basis, your baby learns to expect it and is less apt to protest.
Many fathers find that using a sling, carrier, or other babywearing device, which holds a baby close and snug to their body, can help ease mommy hunger.

But there are times when babies keep crying despite a parent's valiant efforts to soothe. That's okay. Encourage your partner to hang in there with your screaming baby. It's good practice and, in the long run, may help your baby accept him as a comforter.

"What do you do all day, anyway?"

Babies have only a few basic needs — but meeting those needs can easily fill your days. Dishes pile up in the sink, laundry remains unwashed, errands go by the wayside. The fact that a tiny baby can wreak such havoc on adult schedules is one of the biggest surprises of new parenthood — and it can be difficult for a parent who's away from home all day to understand.

"My wife would come home from work and immediately begin marching around the place, picking things up. She'd finally blurt out, 'What do you do at home all day, anyway?'" says Cary Levine, a father of two who stays home with the kids one day a week.

"It's true that the house was a mess — but after spending the last nine hours trying to feed and entertain a 6-month-old, the last thing I needed was a lecture."

Keep the peace: Getting defensive is a natural response, but it only makes things worse. "I'd immediately rattle off an array of excuses for why the house was messy, finally resorting to the 'How many fathers do you know that stay home?' line. We'd end up arguing," says Levine.
Instead, use "I" statements to tell your partner how this makes you feel. For example, "I feel defensive when you ask me that question." This can help defuse things until you have time to talk, says Pirak.

Wait until your child is asleep and you can have a calm, solution-focused discussion. This worked for the Levines: "I agreed to pay more attention to what needed to get done during the day, and my wife agreed to accept that the house might not be in tip-top shape when she walked in," he says. "Of course, after a month or so, we'd lapse into our old ways, but we'd just have another sit-down and refocus."

"But I cleaned up last week!"

A new baby means new chores — like diapering and feeding — as well as more of the old ones, like cleaning, shopping, and laundry. In fact, according to Pirak, caring for a new baby creates about 350 separate chores per week!

It's no wonder that parents feel overburdened and unsure of how to divide up the work in a way that feels fair to both partners.

Keep the peace: Don't fall into the trap of expecting your partner to read your mind and then feeling resentful when it doesn't happen. Instead, explain how you're feeling, once again using the good old "I" language. For example, "I'm feeling overwhelmed and burdened because of all the household chores."

Explain that you need help. Get down to the nitty-gritty specifics. Instead of a vague "You need to clean up more," try "Can you fill the dishwasher while I run a load of laundry?"
Setting up a regular system for chores can be particularly effective. "I'm in charge of vacuuming, dusting, and dishes," says Neuman. "My wife, Erika, is in charge of cooking, general straightening, cleaning the bathrooms, and the children's laundry."

"I'll be right back!"

"I'm just going to check something on the computer," says your partner, ducking into the bedroom. When he emerges 45 minutes later, he can't understand why you're fuming. Or she goes out to do a "quick" errand, which somehow turns into a series of super-errands.

"My husband would take off for hours," says one mom. "He'd go shopping for something, wouldn't be able to find it, go to another store...and all I knew was that he was gone while I was stuck with the baby. I got mad about it a lot."

Whether on purpose or by accident, "the great baby escape" happens when new parents desperate for "me time" steal a few moments — or hours. But for the parent left behind, it's anything but minor.

Keep the peace: Using "I" language again, express your feelings to your partner. For example, "When you spend time on the Internet while I'm caring for the baby, I feel left out and like I'm being taken advantage of." Present your concern as a problem to be solved, rather than as something your partner has done wrong and should feel guilty about.

Then come up with a plan — together — so that you can both have time to pursue your individual interests.
The Levines tackled this issue by making a calendar to track and schedule their time spent at work, doing childcare, being together as a family, and doing things alone.

"Scheduling family time seems silly, but it preserved the notion of having time when we were all together and really focusing on the kids, as opposed to trying to multitask, which is always a disaster," says Alyse Levine.

Additional tips for keeping your post-baby relationship strong

Don't supervise: If it's your turn to take a break, take it! Don't use the time to advise your partner on how to handle the baby. Remember, there are lots of ways to soothe and entertain — and if your partner's style is different than yours, all the better for your child's flexibility.

Have a date night: Sure, you love your baby. But it's important to have some couple time too.

Show appreciation: A little acknowledgment can go a long way. So express your gratitude for things your partner does, like taking out the trash, making the baby smile, or bringing home the bacon. It will make him feel good — and will likely have a boomerang effect.

Get professional help if you need it: Couples counseling can be extremely helpful. Some insurance companies will help cover the cost, or try your place of worship or local social service agencies for low-cost or free counseling.

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When Your Parents Fight

 

It's normal for parents to disagree and argue from time to time. Parents might disagree about money, home chores, or how to spend time. They might disagree about big things — like important decisions they need to make for the family. They might even disagree about little things that don't seem important at all — like what's for dinner or what time someone gets home.

Sometimes parents can disagree with each other and still manage to talk about it in a calm way, where both people get a chance to listen and to talk. But many times when parents disagree, they argue. An argument is a fight using words.

Most kids worry when their parents argue. Loud voices and angry words parents might use can make kids feel scared, sad, or upset. Even arguments that use silence — like when parents act angry and don't talk to each other at all — can be upsetting for kids.

If the argument has anything to do with the kids, kids might think they have caused their parents to argue and fight. If kids think it's their fault, they might feel guilty or even more upset. But parents' behavior is never the fault of kids.

What Does It Mean When Parents Fight?

Kids often worry about what it means when parents fight. They might jump to conclusions and think arguments mean their parents don't love each other anymore. They might think it means their parents will get a divorce.

But parents' arguments usually don't mean that they don't love each other or that they're getting a divorce. Most of the time the arguments are just a way to let off steam when parents have a bad day or feel stressed out over other things. Most people lose their cool now and then.

Just like kids, when parents get upset they might cry, yell, or say things they don't really mean. Sometimes an argument might not mean anything except that one parent or both just lost their temper. Just like kids, parents might argue more if they're not feeling their best or are under a lot of stress from a job or other worries.

How Do Kids Feel When Their Parents Fight?

Kids usually feel upset when they see or hear parents arguing. It's hard to hear the yelling and the unkind words. Seeing parents upset and out of control can make kids feel unprotected and scared.

Kids might worry about one parent or the other during an argument. They might worry that one parent may feel especially sad or hurt because of being yelled at by the other parent. They might worry that one parent seems angry enough to lose control. They might worry that their parent might be angry with them, too, or that someone might get hurt.

Sometimes parents' arguments make kids cry or give them a stomachache. Worry from arguments can even make it hard for a kid to go to sleep or go to school.

What to Do When Parents Fight

It's important to remember that the parents are arguing or fighting, not the kids. So the best thing to do is to stay out of the argument and go somewhere else in the house to get away from the fighting or arguing. So go to your room, close the door, find something else to do until it is over. It's not the kid's job to be a referee.

When Parents' Fighting Goes Too Far

When parents argue, there can be too much yelling and screaming, name calling, and too many unkind things said. Even though many parents may do this, it's never OK to treat people in your family with disrespect, use unkind words, or yell and scream at them.

Sometimes parents' fighting may go too far, and include pushing and shoving, throwing things, or hitting. These things are never OK. When parents' fights get physical in these ways, the parents need to learn to get their anger under control. They might need the help of another adult to do this.

Kids who live in families where the fighting goes too far can let someone know what's going on. Talking to other relatives, a teacher, a school counselor, or any adult you trust about the fighting can be important.

If Someone Gets Hurt

Sometimes parents who fight can get so out of control that they hurt each other, and sometimes kids can get hurt, too. If this happens, kids can let an adult know, so that the family can be helped and protected from fighting in a way that hurts people.

If fighting is out of control in a family, if people are getting hurt from fighting, or if people in the family are tired of too much fighting, there is help. Family counselors and therapists know how to help families work on problems, including fighting.

They can help by teaching family members to listen to each other and talk about feelings without yelling and screaming. Though it may take some work, time, and practice, people in families can always learn to get along better.

Is It OK for Parents to Argue Sometimes?

Having arguments once in a while can be healthy if it helps people get feelings out in the open instead of bottling them up inside. It's important for people in a family to be able to tell each other how they feel and what they think, even when they disagree. The good news about disagreeing is that afterward people usually understand each other better and feel closer.

Parents fight for different reasons. Maybe they had a bad day at work, or they're not feeling well, or they're really tired. Just like kids, when parents aren't feeling their best, they can get upset and might be more likely to argue. Most of the time, arguments are over quickly, parents apologize and make up, and everyone feels better again.

Happy, Healthy Families

No family is perfect. Even in the happiest home, problems pop up and people argue from time to time. Usually, the family members involved get what's bothering them out in the open and talk about it. Everyone feels better, and life can get back to normal.

Being part of a family means everyone pitches in and tries to make life better for each other. Arguments happen and that's OK, but with love, understanding, and some work, families can solve almost any problem.

 

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Kids and Divorce

Do you know someone whose parents are divorced? Are your parents separated or divorced? Chances are that you can answer yes to one — or maybe both — of those questions. And you are not alone! About 1 out of every 2 or 3 marriages ends in divorce.
A divorce happens after a husband and wife decide not to live together anymore and that they no longer want to be married to each other. They agree to sign legal papers that make them each single again and allow them to marry other people if they want to.

Divorce Is Hard for Everyone

It might sound simple, but it's not easy for a husband and wife to decide to end a marriage. Often they spend a long time trying to solve problems before deciding to divorce. But sometimes they just can't fix the problems and decide that a divorce is the best solution. Change is a natural part of life, but when it happens to your family, it is sometimes really hard to deal with.
Sometimes both parents want to divorce, and sometimes one wants to and the other one doesn't. Usually, both parents are disappointed that their marriage can't last, even if one wants a divorce — and to live apart — more than the other.
Sometimes it hurts kids' feelings when one parent wants to leave the house where they live. It is hard not to take it personally. It's important to remember that divorce happens between the husband and wife, and even though it affects the whole family, it doesn't mean that a parent who leaves the house doesn't care about the kids.

Many kids don't want their parents to divorce. Some kids have mixed feelings about it, especially if they know their parents weren't happy together. Some kids may even feel relieved when parents divorce, especially if there's been a lot of fighting between parents during the marriage.
It's important to remember that divorce doesn't change one important fact: A dad or mom who lives somewhere else is still your dad or mom. That's forever. That will never change.

Kids Don't Cause Divorce!

People divorce for lots of different reasons. Usually, parents divorce when they have too many problems and they just can't seem to fix them, no matter how hard they try. Sometimes anger builds and parents fight a lot or say mean things to each other. Sometimes they stop talking to each other because they're mad at each other, and sometimes they meet someone else that they fall in love with and want to live with.
Adults have their own reasons for divorce. Whatever the reasons are, one thing is for sure: Kids don't cause divorce.
Still, many kids believe they're the reason their mom and dad got divorced. They think that if only they had behaved better, gotten better grades, or helped more around the house, the divorce wouldn't have happened. But this isn't true. Divorce is between moms and dads only!
Even if you once heard your parents argue about you, or your friend next door thinks his parents broke up because he got in trouble at school, these things don't cause a husband and wife to end their marriage.
You might feel you're to blame for your parents' divorce, but you are not the cause. And the fact that your parents decide not to stay married is not your fault.

Kids Can't Fix Divorce!

Just like the divorce is not a kid's fault, getting parents back together is not up to the kid, either. And most likely, this doesn't happen, although plenty of kids wish for it and even try things they think might work. Acting like an angel at home all the time (who can do that?) and doing really well at school may make your mom and dad happy, but it doesn't mean they'll get back together.
The opposite is also true. Getting in trouble so your mom and dad will have to get together to talk about these problems is not going to make the divorce go away either. So, just be yourself and try to talk through the feelings you have with a parent, another family member, friend, or teacher or counselor.

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