Building your Child's Self-Esteem

Healthy self-esteem is a child's armor against the challenges of the world. 

Kids who feel good about themselves seem to have an easier time handling conflicts and resisting negative pressures. 

They tend to smile more readily and enjoy life. These kids are realistic and generally optimistic.

In contrast, kids with low self-esteem can find challenges to be sources of major anxiety and frustration. Those who think poorly of themselves have a hard time finding solutions to problems. 

If given to self-critical thoughts such as "I'm no good" or "I can't do anything right," they may become passive, withdrawn, or depressed. Faced with a new challenge, their immediate response is "I can't."

Here's how you can play important role in promoting healthy self-esteem in your child.

 

What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is the collection of beliefs or feelings we have about ourselves, our "self-perceptions." How we define ourselves influences our motivations, attitudes, and behaviors and affects our emotional adjustment.

Patterns of self-esteem start very early in life. For example, a toddler who reaches a milestone experiences a sense of accomplishment that bolsters self-esteem. Learning to roll over after dozens of unsuccessful attempts teaches a baby a "can-do" attitude.

The concept of success following persistence starts early. As kids try, fail, try again, fail again, and then finally succeed, they develop ideas about their own capabilities. At the same time, they're creating a self-concept based on interactions with other people. This is why parental involvement is key to helping kids form accurate, healthy self-perceptions.

Self-esteem also can be defined as feelings of capability combined with feelings of being loved. A child who is happy with an achievement but does not feel loved may eventually experience low self-esteem. Likewise, a child who feels loved but is hesitant about his or her own abilities can also end up with low self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem comes when the right balance is reached.

Signs of Unhealthy and Healthy Self-Esteem

Self-esteem fluctuates as kids grow. It's frequently changed and fine-tuned, because it is affected by a child's experiences and new perceptions. So it helps to be aware of the signs of both healthy and unhealthy self-esteem.

Kids with low self-esteem may not want to try new things, and may frequently speak negatively about themselves: "I'm stupid," "I'll never learn how to do this," or "What's the point? Nobody cares about me anyway." They may exhibit a low tolerance for frustration, giving up easily or waiting for somebody else to take over. They tend to be overly critical of and easily disappointed in themselves. Kids with low self-esteem see temporary setbacks as permanent, intolerable conditions, and a sense of pessimism predominates.

Kids with healthy self-esteem tend to enjoy interacting with others. They're comfortable in social settings and enjoys group activities as well as independent pursuits. When challenges arise, they can work toward finding solutions and voice discontent without belittling themselves or others. For example, rather than saying, "I'm an idiot," a child with healthy self-esteem says, "I don't understand this." They know their strengths and weaknesses, and accept them. A sense of optimism prevails.

How Parents Can Help

How can a parent help to foster healthy self-esteem in a child? These tips can make a big difference:

• Watch what you say. Kids are very sensitive to parents' words. Remember to praise your child not only for a job well done, but also for effort. But be truthful. For example, if your child doesn't make the soccer team, avoid saying something like, "Well, next time you'll work harder and make it." Instead, try "Well, you didn't make the team, but I'm really proud of the effort you put into it." Reward effort and completion instead of outcome.

• Be a positive role model. If you're excessively harsh on yourself, pessimistic, or unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your child may eventually mirror you. Nurture your own self-esteem, and your child will have a great role model.

• Identify and redirect your child's inaccurate beliefs. It's important for parents to identify kids' irrational beliefs about themselves, whether they're about perfection, attractiveness, ability, or anything else. Helping kids set more accurate standards and be more realistic in evaluating themselves will help them have a healthy self-concept. Inaccurate perceptions of self can take root and become reality to kids. For example, a child who does very well in school but struggles with math may say, "I can't do math. I'm a bad student." Not only is this a false generalization, it's also a belief that will set the child up for failure. Encourage kids to see a situation in its true light. A helpful response might be: "You are a good student. You do great in school. Math is just a subject that you need to spend more time on. We'll work on it together."

• Be spontaneous and affectionate. Your love will go a long way to boost your child's self-esteem. Give hugs and tell kids you're proud of them. Pop a note in your child's lunchbox that reads, "I think you're terrific!" Give praise frequently and honestly, without overdoing it. Kids can tell whether something comes from the heart.

• Give positive, accurate feedback. Comments like "You always work yourself up into such a frenzy!" will make kids feel like they have no control over their outbursts. A better statement is, "You were really mad at your brother. But I appreciate that you didn't yell at him or hit him." This acknowledges a child's feelings, rewards the choice made, and encourages the child to make the right choice again next time.

• Create a safe, loving home environment. Kids who don't feel safe or are abused at home will suffer immensely from low self-esteem. A child who is exposed to parents who fight and argue repeatedly may become depressed and withdrawn. Also watch for signs of abuse by others, problems in school, trouble with peers, and other factors that may affect kids' self-esteem. Deal with these issues sensitively but swiftly. And always remember to respect your kids.

• Help kids become involved in constructive experiences. Activities that encourage cooperation rather than competition are especially helpful in fostering self-esteem. For example, mentoring programs in which an older child helps a younger one learn to read can do wonders for both kids.

Finding Professional Help

If you suspect your child has low self-esteem, consider professional help. Family and child counselors can work to uncover underlying issues that prevent a child from feeling good about himself or herself.

Therapy can help kids learn to view themselves and the world positively. When kids see themselves in a more realistic light, they can accept who they truly are.

With a little help, every child can develop healthy self-esteem for a happier, more fulfilling life.

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Talking about Death with your Children

When a loved one dies, it can be difficult to know how to help kids cope with the loss, particularly as you work through your own grief.

How much kids can understand about death depends largely on their age, life experiences, and personality. But there are a few important points to remember in all cases.

Explaining Death in a Child's Terms

Be honest with kids and encourage questions. This can be hard because you may not have all of the answers. But it's important to create an atmosphere of comfort and openness, and send the message that there's no one right or wrong way to feel. You might also share any spiritual beliefs you have about death.

A child's capacity to understand death — and your approach to discussing it — will vary according to the child's age. Each child is unique, but here are some rough guidelines to keep in mind.

Until kids are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. So explain the death in basic and concrete terms. If the loved one was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. If someone dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened — that because of this very sad event, the person's body stopped working. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stopped working.

Kids this young often have a hard time understanding that all people and living things eventually die, and that it's final and they won't come back. So even after you've explained this, kids may continue to ask where the loved one is or when the person is returning. As frustrating as this can be, continue to calmly reiterate that the person has died and can't come back.

Avoid using euphemisms, such as telling kids that the loved one "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Because young kids think so literally, such phrases might inadvertently make them afraid to go to sleep or fearful whenever someone goes away.

Also remember that kids' questions may sound much deeper than they actually are. For example, a 5-year-old who asks where someone who died is now probably isn't asking whether there's an afterlife. Rather, kids might be satisfied hearing that someone who died is now in the cemetery. This may also be a time to share your beliefs about an afterlife or heaven if that is part of your belief system.

Kids from the ages of about 6 to 10 start to grasp the finality of death, even if they don't understand that it will happen to every living thing one day. A 9-year-old might think, for example, that by behaving or making a wish, grandma won't die. Often, kids this age personify death and think of it as the "boogeyman" or a ghost or a skeleton. They deal best with death when given accurate, simple, clear, and honest explanations about what happened.

As kids mature into teens, they start to understand that every human being eventually dies, regardless of grades, behavior, wishes, or anything they try to do.

As your teen's understanding about death evolves, questions may naturally come up about mortality and vulnerability. For example, if your 16-year-old's friend dies in a car accident, your teen might be reluctant to get behind the wheel or even ride in a car for awhile. The best way to respond is to empathize about how frightening and sad this accident was. It's also a good time to remind your teen about ways to stay safe and healthy, like never getting in a car with a driver who has been drinking and always wearing a seatbelt.

Teens also tend to search more for meaning in the death of someone close to them. A teen who asks why someone had to die probably isn't looking for literal answers, but starting to explore the idea of the meaning of life. Teens also tend to experience some guilt, particularly if one of their peers died. Whatever your teen is experiencing, the best thing you can do is to encourage the expression and sharing of grief.

And if you need help, many resources — from books to counselors to community organizations — can provide guidance. Your efforts will go a long way in helping your child get through this difficult time — and through the inevitable losses and tough times that come later in life.

Mourning the Loss

Is it right to take kids to funerals? It's up to you and your child. It's appropriate to let kids take part in any mourning ritual — if they want to. First explain what happens at a funeral or memorial and give kids the choice of whether to go.

What do you tell a young child about the funeral? You may want to explain that the body of the person who died is going to be in a casket, and that the person won't be able to talk or see or hear anything. Explain that others may speak about the person who died and that some mourners may be crying.

Share any spiritual beliefs you have about death and explain the meaning of the mourning rituals that you and your family will observe.

If you think your own grief might prevent you from helping your child at this difficult time, ask a friend or family member to care for and focus on your child during the service. Choose someone you both like and trust who won't mind leaving the funeral if your child wants to go.

Many parents worry about letting their kids witness their own grief, pain, and tears about a death. Don't — allowing your child to see your pain shows that crying is a natural reaction to emotional pain and loss. And it can make kids more comfortable sharing their feelings. But it's also important to convey that no matter how sad you may feel, you'll still be able to care for your family and make your child feel safe.

Getting More Help

As kids learn how to deal with death, they need space, understanding, and patience to grieve in their own way.

They might not show grief as an adult would. A young child might not cry or might react to the news by acting out or becoming hyperactive. A teen might act annoyed and might feel more comfortable confiding in peers.

Whatever their reaction, don't take it personally. Remember that learning how to deal with grief is like coping with other physical, mental, and emotional tasks — it's a process.

Nevertheless, watch for any signs that kids need help coping with a loss. If a child's behavior changes radically — for example, a gregarious and easygoing child becomes angry, withdrawn, or extremely anxious; or goes from having straight A's to D's in school — seek help.

A doctor, school guidance counselor, or mental health organization can provide assistance and recommendations. Also look for books, websites, support groups, and other resources that help people manage grief.

Parents can't always shield kids from sadness and losses. But helping them learn to cope with them builds emotional resources they can rely on throughout life.

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Your Child's Early Brain Development

You've probably heard how important it is to help your baby's brain develop well. You may have seen advertisements for toys to stimulate your child's brain, and CD's to give your unborn baby a start in music.

Many parents know it is important to help stimulate their child's brain, but they are not sure why.

While some of the claims are exaggerated, there is good scientific evidence that it is important to stimulate your child's brain development early in life.

What We Know About Early Brain Development 

The brain starts to develop long before your baby is born, and it continues to develop quickly through the early years (0 to 6). This early development of the brain affects health and well-being throughout your child's life.

How well a baby's brain develops during the earliest years sets the foundation for growth and development later in life including adulthood.

Wiring & Sculpting The Brain
Each baby is born with a central nervous system, made up of the brain and the spinal cord. The central nervous system has 100 billion nerve cells, called neurons. The neurons can make up to 15,000 connections with each other, which form very complex pathways in the brain. These pathways allow the neurons to communicate with each other to control the body's muscles, organs, and glands.

In newborn babies, most of these connections between neurons have not yet happened. But during the first year of a baby's life, these brain pathways start to be built very quickly. As these pathways are built, the brain begins to strengthen the pathways it uses often and eliminates pathways it doesn't use. This process is known as brain wiring or sculpting.

Although brain sculpting begins before birth and continues into the teenage years, it is most active in the early years of life. That's why its so important to provide your baby with stimulation. More than one-third of the neurons a baby is born with are eliminated in the first three years of life.

Nature & Nurture
This brain development is determined by the interaction between two powerful forces: nature and nurture.

Nature is the qualities and genetic possibilities a baby is born with. These are determined by genes, which babies get from their parents. For example, a child gets brown hair or musical talent through his (or her) genes. Nurture is the love and care that adults give to a child.

Nature and nurture work together to shape a child's developing brain. The love and care you give your child makes a big difference in his early brain development.

Stimulating Young Minds To Learn
Babies are very sensitive to their environment the physical surroundings and the people around them. This is why your child's early months are so important.

The way you respond to your children, especially in their earliest years, affects how the pathways in their brains are formed. Early pathways set a base for thinking skills and learning. Different parts of a baby's brain develop at different times. This means that there are special times when the brain is most able to absorb certain experiences, and special times when the brain is most able to build up new pathways. To make this process work, a child needs to interact with his parents or other adults.

Coping With Emotions
Children begin to learn to cope with their emotions early in life. Babies start to be able to comfort themselves as early as six months. They start to learn what makes them happy and what doesn't.

Later on, babies begin to learn how to control their behaviour, and to decide where to focus their attention. A strong emotional bond with at least one caring adult is needed for this important learning.

Learning To Speak
The ability to learn language is very strong in early childhood. By listening to sounds and copying them, most children learn to talk between 12 and 18 months. All children are naturally ready to learn to talk, but the language they learn depends on what they hear around them.

During the babbling phase, babies make lots of sounds. After they have learned their native language, they are less able to make sounds that are not used in their language. Babies need to hear language long before they learn to talk. Speak to your baby when you are nursing, feeding, changing diapers and cuddling. Lots of touching and talking stimulates the brain's pathways for using and understanding language.

Thinking Skills
Thinking skills help children build up new knowledge. Using symbols, understanding numbers, following a story, and understanding where physical objects are in relationship to each other (spatial awareness) are concepts that form the basis of abilities to think and to reason later on. All these concepts can develop during the years before school.

You can help your children's thinking skills by providing lots of different experiences and helping them understand these experiences. For example, a walk to the park to find different kinds of bugs is a stronger learning experience if you help point out the differences between ants and ladybugs.

Make-Believe Play (Pretending)
Make-believe play (pretending) begins about the time that children start using language and walking around. Children may dress up or use props to act out their world. Pretend play helps children practise new thinking skills that help with learning to read and solving problems in the early school years.

Learning To Count
At about age four, children usually know how to count. They also understand ideas such as more and less, and big and small. But they don't know that seven is greater than five. Children usually begin to understand number and quantity between the ages of four and six. Between the ages of six and 10, children develop a better understanding of how numbers work.

They start to understand the concept of space at around age six, when they put together their ideas of how objects look with the relationships between them. For example, they might draw pictures of a tree connected to the ground with the sky above it and a person beside it. Some of the most important learning in a child's life happens long before he gets to school.

Love Protects Against Stress
Like all animals, our bodies are genetically programmed to react to stress to get away from danger or to fight danger. Within minutes of something stressful happening, the brain releases stress hormones which help a person cope. If we live with constant stress for a long time, however, some neurons in the brain die.

Over time, constant stress can affect the whole body. Thats because stress suppresses or weakens the immune system, which protects a person against disease. People with high levels of stress tend to get sick more often. Babies and young children are very sensitive to stress. Research has shown that babies who feel secure and who get enough care and stimulation can deal with stress better. This is why good, loving care for your baby can help throughout his life for coping well and for good health.

Giving your children care and stimulation in the early years helps them develop in a healthy way. Most parents want to hold and cuddle their children, talk to them, and give them toys and other things to play with. This does more than make children smile. It builds their capacity to learn and cope emotionally with life. It also helps them develop their ability to think and make sense of their worlds. Early Brain Development - A 

Foundation For Life
Children's early experiences make a big difference in their lives. Good care in the first few years of life helps children develop physically, emotionally and intellectually. Like a good solid foundation for a house, early brain development is a foundation for your child's health, well-being, behaviour and learning.

Healthy brain development in the early years lasts a lifetime.

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Does my Toddler Have a Language Delay?

My 2½-year-old daughter seems to talk less than her sister did at this age. I know that kids develop language skills at different times, but I'm still concerned. What's "normal" for her age?
- Nina

As you mention, all children (yes, even siblings!) develop and refine their language skills at different times throughout their development, so the range of what's "normal" is broad. However, there are some guidelines that parents go by when deciding if their child might be at the latter end of the spectrum.

A typical 2-year-old should:

• speak in two-word phrases, like "more juice" and "go bye-bye"
• follow two-step commands
• name simple objects
• have a vocabulary of 50 or more words
• be understood at least 50% of the time by a parent

Between 2 and 3 years, vocabulary continues to build and comprehension also increases. By 3 years of age, a child should:

• speak in three-word sentences
• have a vocabulary of 200 words or more (basically, more than you can count)
• be understood 75% of the time
• understand prepositions (such as, "put it on the table" or "put it under the bed")
• use pronouns ("me," "you," "it")

If you feel that your child is not on track, talk to your doctor about your concerns.

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Baby Sign Language

Imagine if your 9-month-old could tell you that he needs his diaper changed, wants juice instead of milk, and that he is tired. By teaching your baby sign language, it's possible to communicate months earlier than normal, helping to reduce frustration and develop a deeper bond with your baby.

Teaching your baby sign language is simply an extension of his or her natural desire to communicate. Most babies naturally learn common signs and gestures such as waving bye-bye, holding up their arms when they want to be picked up, and opening their mouths wide when they want more food. Infants are able to understand language at a very young age; however, most babies don't begin talking until they are between 12 and 24 months old, and their vocabulary and ability to communicate remain extremely limited for months. This is because infants develop the fine muscles in their hands before they develop the facial and tongue coordination required for speech.

Most babies are ready to learn sign language and are able to sign back at around 7 months of age; but each baby is different and some aren't ready until 9 or 10 months. You can start signing to your baby as early as you wish, but don't be discouraged if your baby doesn't respond. Many parents who start too early become bored or frustrated when their baby doesn't sign back and give up. You'll know your baby is ready for signing if he or she can wave bye-bye, hold a rattle, and if she drops something and then looks to see where it went. Once you do start signing, it may take weeks or even months before your baby catches on and begins signing back to you.

Some people worry that teaching a baby sign language will delay his or her speech. However, studies have shown these concerns to be unfounded and infants who learn sign language may actually begin speaking earlier. Infants in these studies started using expressive language at an earlier age, played more with words and ideas, and paired them up before they have even developed the oral motor skills required for speech. At 36 months, the signing babies in the study were speaking, on average, the equivalent of non-signing 47-month-olds; and by age 8, children who had signed as infants had stronger reading skills than those who did not. In addition, studies performed at the University of California found a connection between infant signing and higher IQ scores. They discovered a 12-point difference between a group of second-graders who had signed as babies and those who had not.

There are two schools of thought regarding baby sign language: one advocates using American or British Sign Language (ASL or BSL, respectively) and the other creates its own signs or modifies ASL signs to make them easier for a baby's hands. There are benefits to both methods. Teaching your baby ASL or BSL will make it easier for him to continue signing as a second language and communicate with the hearing impaired.

On the other hand, your own signs may be easier for you to remember, and easier for your baby to sign. Regardless of the method you use (and many parents use a combination of both) the most important thing is that you are communicating with your child.

You don't need to spend hours studying and learning the complete ASL dictionary if you wish to teach your baby sign language; it can be easily worked into your normal routine and you can learn right along with your baby. Start with simple, need-based, and commonly-used words such as milk, diaper, more, and eat, and remember these important tips:  

•  Always pair the spoken word with the gesture.
• Always praise your child's attempts, and be excited and animated. If you are bored or frustrated, your child will be too.
• Show your baby the sign before and during an activity such as feeding or changing a diaper.
• Be consistent - use the sign every time you do the activity.
• Stick with one sign until your baby begins to sign it back to you, then choose another sign and start the process over again. But don't abandon the first sign - continue to use it frequently.
• Be patient - your child won't learn to sign overnight.
• Be flexible - your baby may invent a new sign once she understands that everything has a sign. Feel free to continue using it, or show her the correct ASL sign. Either way, praise her for her efforts.

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Introducing Your Toddler To Chores

Toddlers and Chores

Helping out around the house supports learning and development. Here's how to introduce your wee one to chores.

Chores can help your child learn to organize their time, handle responsibility, set goals and learn skills.

It's a routine you can start with your child as soon as they reach the toddler years, between 18 months and 2 years of age. This is when children begin to demonstrate greater independence and want to do things by themselves. At this age, your child can put dirty clothes in the laundry basket and put toys away.

But just because children can do chores, doesn't mean they'll want to. To help ease your child into chores, Invest in Kids suggests a few fun activities that will also support your child's development. 

Where Does This Go?

Here's an activity to support the development of your child's intellectual, social and fine motor skills.

What you'll need:

• Dramatic play toys such as dishes, plastic food, clothing

• Baskets for each group of play toys

• Pictures of dishes, food and clothing cut from catalogues or magazines

• Index cards

• Glue stick

• Permanent marker

Cut out pictures of toys, food and clothing and glue each to an index card. Write the word for each item under the picture. Attach each card to a basket. Provide your child with a variety of dramatic play toys. As he plays with the toys, ask questions about each one, e.g., "Is this something you eat or something you wear?" "Which basket does this belong in?" Your child can look at the pictures on the baskets and place the play items in the correct basket.

By talking with your child about what he's doing and labeling the toys and baskets, your child will be encouraged to listen, read (with your help) and respond. He will develop emerging literacy skills as he learns to connect spoken words with the written word and with pictures. Your child will also practice important thinking and problem-solving skills as he learns to sort and match objects by common properties. Extend this fun activity in your everyday routines by naming objects and labeling storage units with pictures and words to help your child put things where they belong when playtime is over and also to reinforce these important developmental skills. 

This activity will help your child become aware of some of the ways that people take care of responsibilities at home and in the classroom. Picking up toys and putting them away requires eye-hand coordination which your child will practice as you play this game together and as he helps tidy play spaces around the house.

This activity also provides Comfort, Play & Teach® time. Comfort, Play & Teach are three parenting actions that work together to generate responses from children that transform everyday interactions from the ordinary to the extraordinary.

Comfort – Your child will show pride in his achievements as he begins to recognize differences and relationships between the things in his environment.  

Play – Using and manipulating materials allows your child to name objects and discover their characteristics through play.

  

Teach – As your child sorts familiar objects, you will observe how he makes comparisons and groups things according to differences.

Other everyday moments to enjoy together:

• Have your child provide her own rationale for sorting her toys or other things around the house (sorting by type of clothing, or colour, size or shape of object).

• Involve your child in activities where she can help put things away, like laundry or groceries.

• Read books together like Jillian Jiggs by Phoebe Gilman and Jonathan Cleaned Up and Then He Heard a Sound by Robert Munsch. Your child will enjoy hearing stories about tidying up and will talk about what she likes and doesn't like about putting things away.

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Get your toddler to cooperate

Toddlers and preschoolers require finesse to gain their cooperation, because they have not yet reached the age at which they can see and understand the whole picture, so simply explaining what you want doesn't always work. Robert Scotellaro is quoted in The Funny Side of Parenthood as saying, "Reasoning with a two-year-old is about as productive as changing seats on the Titanic." (He must have had a two-year-old at the time.)

You can get around this frustrating state of affairs by changing your approach. Let's look at two situations - first the typical (Titanic) way:

Parent:    David! Time to change your diaper.
David:     No! (As he runs off)
Parent:     Come on honey. It's time to leave, I need to change you.
David:     (Giggles and hides behind sofa)
Parent:     David, this isn't funny. It's getting late. Come here.
David:     (Doesn't hear a word. Sits down to do a puzzle.)
Parent:     Come here! (Gets up and approaches David)
David:     (Giggles and runs)
Parent:     (Picking up David) Now lie here. Stop squirming! Lie still. Will you stop this! (As parent turns to pick up a new diaper, a little bare bottom is running away)

I'm sure you've all been there. Oh, and by the way, David is my son. And this was an actual scene recorded in his baby book. Like you, I got very tired of this. And then I discovered a better way:

Parent:     (Picking up diaper and holding it like a puppet, making it talk in a silly, squeaky voice) Hi David! I'm Dilly Diaper! Come here and play with me!
David:     (Running over to Diaper) Hi Dilly!
Parent as Diaper:     You're such a nice boy. Will you give me a kiss?
David:     Yes. (Gives diaper a kiss)
Parent as Diaper:     How 'bout a nice hug?
David:     (Giggles and hugs Diaper)
Parent as Diaper:    Lie right here next to me. Right here. Yup. Can I go on you? Oh yes?! Goody goody goody! (The diaper chats with David while he's being changed. Then it says, Oh, David! Listen, I hear your shoes calling you - David! David!)

The most amazing thing about this trick is that it works over and over and over and over. You'll keep thinking, "He's not honestly going to fall for this again?" But he will! Probably the nicest by-product of this method is that it gets you in a good mood and you have a little fun time with your child.

When you've got a toddler this technique is a pure lifesaver. When my son David was little I used this all the time. (I then used it with my youngest child, Coleton, and it worked just as well.) Remembering back to one day, when David was almost three, we were waiting in a long line at the grocery store and I was making my hand talk to him. It was asking him questions about the items in the cart. Suddenly, he hugged my hand, looked up at me and said, "Mommy, I love for you to pretend this hand is talking."

Another parent reported that she called her toddler to the table for dinner a number of times, when he calmly looked up at her, chubby hands on padded hips and said, "Mommy, why don't you have my dinner call to me?"

And suddenly, the peas on his plate came to life and called out to him; he ran over to join the family at the dinner table.

A variation on this technique, that also works very well, is to capitalize on a young child's vivid imagination as a way to thwart negative emotions. Pretend to find a trail of caterpillars on the way to the store, hop to the car like a bunny, or pretend a carrot gives you magic powers as you eat it.

It's delightful to see how a potentially negative situation can be turned into a fun experience by changing a child's focus to fun and fantasy.

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Communicating with your child

Guidelines For Parent/Child Communication

Good communication is an important parenting skill. This page provides useful information and techniques for parents on how to communicate effectively with their children.

Parenting can be more enjoyable when positive parent - child relationship is established.

Whether you are parenting a toddler or a teenager, good communication is the key to building self-esteem as well a mutual respect.

Basic Principles of Good Parent/Child Communication

• Let the child know that you are interested and involved and that you will help when needed.
• Turn off the television or put the newspaper down when your child wants to converse.
• Avoid taking a telephone call when the child has something important to tell you.
• Unless other people are specifically meant to be included, hold conversations in privacy. The best communication between you and the child will occur when others are not around.
• Embarrassing the child or putting him on the spot in front of others will lead only to resentment and hostility, not good communication.
• Don't tower over your child. Physically get down to the child's level then talk.
• If you are very angry about a behavior or an incident, don't attempt communication until you regain your cool, because you cannot be objective until then. It is better to stop, settle down, and talk to the child later.
• If you are very tired, you will have to make an extra effort to be an active listener. Genuine active listening is hard work and is very difficult when your mind and body are already tired.
• Listen carefully and politely. Don't interrupt the child when he is trying to tell his story. Be as courteous to your child as you would be to your best friend.
• Don't be a wipe-out artist, unraveling minor threads of a story and never allowing the child's own theme to develop. This is the parent who reacts to the incidentals of a message while the main idea is list: i.e., the child starts to tell about what happened and the parent says, "I don't care what they are doing, but you had better not be involved in anything like that."
• Don't ask why, but do ask what happened.
• If you have knowledge of the situation, confront the child with the information that you know or have been told.
• Keep adult talking ("You'll talk when I'm finished." "I know what's best for you." "Just do what I say and that will solve the problem"), preaching and moralizing to a minimum because they are not helpful in getting communication open and keeping it open.
• Don't use put-down words or statements: dumb, stupid, lazy: "Stupid, that makes no sense at all" or "What do you know, you're just a child."
• Assist the child in planning some specific steps to the solution.
• Show that you accept the child himself, regardless of what he has or has not done.
• Reinforce the child for keeping communication open. Do this by accepting him and praising his efforts to communicate.nication

Words of Encouragement and Praise

Children thrive on positive attention. Children need to feel loved and appreciated. Most parents find that it is easier to provide negative feedback rather than positive feedback. By selecting and using some of the phrases below on a daily basis with your child, you will find that he will start paying more attention to you and will try harder to please.

Yes    Good    Fine    Very good    Very fine    Excellent Marvelous

At-a-boy Right    That's right    Correct    Wonderful

I like the way you do that    I'm pleased with (proud of ) you

That's good    Wow    Oh boy   Very nice    Good work    Great going

Good for you    That's the way    Much better    O.K.

You're doing better    That's perfect Good idea    What a cleaver idea

That's it    Good job    Great job controlling yourself

I like the way you ______    I noticed that you ____    Keep it up

I had fun ______ with you    You are improving at ______ more and more

You showed a lot of responsibility when you ______    Way to go

I appreciate the way you ______    You are great at that    You're the best

Good remembering    That's beautiful    I like your______

I like the way you ______ with out having to be asked (reminded)

I'm sure glad you are my son/daughter    Now you've got it

I love you

You can SHOW them how you feel as well as tell them:

Smile    Nod    Part on shoulder, head, knee Wink

Signal or gesture to signify approval    High five    Touch cheek

Tickle    Laugh (with, not at)    Pat on the back    Hug

One Final Touch

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement he learns to be confident.
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love.
If a child lives with recognition, he learns it is good to have a goal.
If a child lives with honesty he learns what truth is.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him.
If a child lives with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live to love and be loved.

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